mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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green eyed monster

If someone were to ask me, right now, face to face, I would say that I am not even a tiny bit jealous that Matt-- my Matt--is currently out to lunch with his ex. I would say that I am not jealous that he is sitting with her at a restaurant he took me to on our third date and I am not jealous that he didn't tell me he was getting off early. Not jealous, not jealous, not jealous.
...
Oh, I am so fucking jealous. Stomach-churningly, blood-boilingly, heart-wrenchingly jealous. Matt said to me, the other day, "The key word is EX." And I get that. Kind of. It depends. During any of my 2137281378 half-assed relationships since Zach, with the possible exception of Dan, none of them took priority over him. Not one. Except, ironically, Matt. I don't typically achieve jealousy of quite this magnitude-- I generally don't CARE this much. Being vulnerable sucks. Half of me is so incredibly nuts about this guy that I just want to bite the bullet, deal with his friendship with the ex--and then the other half of me, the less romantic, more gun-shy half, is screaming for me to run. Get out before I get burned. That loud, self-sabotaging half is begging me to fucking FLEE, fast, get away before there is any potential for real damage. I want this and I don't want this. There are moments where I wake up in the middle of the night and my back is pressed to his chest and his hand is on my leg and I think that maybe this feels better than anything I've felt in a long time, and there are times when I am freaking CONSUMED with jealousy, which leads to me thinking that maybe he doesn't want me quite as much as he should, which leads to fury, which leads to, well, this. I want to be happy. I am trying to learn how to do that.

3:49 p.m. - 2007-08-30

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