mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hey jealousy Weird, weird nightmare last night in which Matt had three other girlfriends who shared him with me, except one was his real-life ex, who fell asleep in his bed and wouldn't let me sit in the front seat. The dream culminated in me grabbing her face and screaming, in a very soap opera-y way, "He's miiiiiiiiiiiine now!" Fucked, no? It was actually much more unsettling than I've described, with the afore-mentioned ex attempting to use bodily force to get me out of the way while my boyfriend sat and blinked at the two of us, her yanking my hair out of my scalp while I pleaded, "Get her off of me!" Unpleasant, a zillion different kinds of unpleasant. He still doesn't really know how I feel about his close friendship with his ex, I mean, he knows I get jealous and I don't like it, but I've never really expressed how much. The last time it came up he said, "Either you can deal with it or you can't." I said I could, but I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had said I couldn't deal with it. What would he have done, what choice would he have made? Zach is my only frame of reference on this one-- if Matt told me to stop seeing Zach, I would probably tell him to fuck off, not that I see Zach that much anyway but Zach has held my hand when I needed some hand-holding, Zach let me fall asleep crying in his arms the day Nikki died, Zach and I were united against Bull-Anus Gavin and we have had six Thanksgivings and seven Christmases and you just don't throw that kind of history away. But Zach is a bad, bad frame of reference because, remember, up until March of this year I thought he and I were getting fucking married, I was sure he would be the father of my children and although I am nuts about Matt, hell yes I still love Zach. Not in the way that I would ever leave Matt for him, but Matt hasn't had his trial by fire yet. Matt hasn't seen me crazy, which happens rarely these days, locked in my bathroom and cackling madly with a 12 ounce tumbler of straight vodka and a steak knife, talking about reincarnation and time travel and shit. Matt hasn't dealt with the hardcore drunk crying, he hasn't seen me get so pissed off I start throwing things. So I try to be understanding of the fact that I probably haven't had my trial by fire yet, either. It's rough. I've had two dreams in two nights about this girl, who seems very nice and sweet and totally different from me, who my--MY--guy snuggled up to every night for three years, whom he has lunch with once a week or so, this girl who vaguely reminds me of any number of the friends I had when I was seventeen years old, her name sets my teeth on edge. And I am trying to calm it down but goddamn, it is taking some work. No more nightmares, I hope, Matt looks at me sometimes and can tell when I need to hear it, so he tells me I am his number one, his only number one, so that helps a little. 4:15 p.m. - 2007-11-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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