mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- chameleon Things have been slow lately. I realized just now that all of my entries these days are about one of two things, either Matt or my job hate. I realize that this is not interesting for you. I am well aware. I cycle back and forth, I get into this weird place, this unpleasant-is-an-understatement place that mind fucks me and gets me scared and confused and I want to hit rewind occasionally and just start the fuck over. What I mean is this: I start thinking I want to get married and have children, right now, right fucking now, I want a house and a driveway and a back yard garden, and then I realize that I have been dating Matt for less than a year and he doesn't want that, anyway, and our relationship has issues. One issue. A big one. It is either me, my lack of self-esteem, or it is her, his best friend, his ex-girlfriend. I do not know which of the two is the real problem. Perhaps the combination of the two of them is what causes the explosions we have been having lately. I am finding myself at this point where I almost don't care but I am not sure if that is progress. I would write more about that but I feel like I have told this story too many times now. The other mind fuck situation is, of course, the job place, where I find myself thinking without thinking that things will be better when I just settle down and write and then it occurs to me, hey, I can't even finish a short story! How the FUCK can I make a living WRITING? What, selling fucking CHAPBOOKS? I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CHAPBOOK. I can't pinpoint what feels wrong with my life. I feel like my mind is in better shape than it ever has been, I don't get sad so much, I don't sleep with random strangers to fill up the place where love is supposed to live, I don't get drunk and cry about all the things I can't fix, so why do I feel so dissatisfied? Sanity isn't all it's cracked up to be. Wanting to be a normal, average girl and wanting normal, average girl things doesn't guarantee that you won't search for a reason to be unhappy. The scariest part about not trusting anyone, not even yourself, is that you can never tell which feelings are going to linger when the storm clears and which ones will fade away into nothing. I never know. I could be happy in ten minutes. I could feel like my life is perfect in five hours. I could slide into sadness within the hour. I never can tell where I will be left when I have had time to change colors again. 7:09 a.m. - 2008-04-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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