mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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grown up

Hey, well, I'm twenty-five now. You all met me back when I was nineteen years old, just six years ago, but it feels like a lifetime. It was an important six years, I guess. Back when I was nineteen I thought I was so grown-up, living on my own and paying my own bills, working full-time at Mugshots (back when I was a waitress, remember that?) and having fun playing House in my little apartment. Since those days a lot has happened, the kind of shit that happens to everybody, I guess: I fell in love a few times, got fucked over a few times, did some fucking over of my own here and there, lost some old friends to time, lost some family to death, worked jobs I hated, worked jobs I loved, made some new friends, and so on. And after all that stuff, well, I guess I feel a lot older now than I did when I started this journal. I feel twenty-five today. It has nothing to do with birthdays. I've had twenty-five years worth of living, I guess, twenty-five years of reallyreallygood and reallyreallybad and the mundane stretches of calm and easy everyday life in between. I'm pretty happy with where I am at twenty-five. I guess that even though I am not quite where I always thought I would be at this age, I'm doing a good job of rolling with the punches and becoming who I want to be. And so it goes.
In other news, well, I'm going to admit something I never really wanted anybody to know, because I want to tell you how I'm trying to fix it: so, I used to snoop on Matt. I tried to think of a better way to say that just then, but that about sums it up just right. It's embarrassing and I'm pretty ashamed of it, but I did it. What I mean is if he was typing something on his computer, I was peeking over his shoulder to read it. I went through his cell phone. I just generally invaded his privacy in a number of different ways, basically. I'm confessing this now because I think that I have finally made the change I've been wanting to make-- I haven't done any of that, haven't even thought about it for almost a month now. I guess I did it because I was afraid, constantly afraid, that I would lose him in some way or another, and I figured if I could just find out about how he was planning to hurt me, I could get the jump on it and hurt him first. Does that make sense to you?
...
But I don't want to be that girl anymore. I've said it before, that I was going to change, but I think it took this time. I don't feel that fear anymore, I guess, just happy to be in love. And like I kind of want to return the love that Matt gives me. There's that. A birthday present to myself, just trusting.

12:36 p.m. - 2008-04-30

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