mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recovery Mere moments after I finished typing my last entry, Matt and I had a horrendous blow-up that we are just barely recovered from a week later. I forget, sometimes, exactly what is going on inside of his head. I forget that he isn't-- and I hate using this word but it is the only one I can come up with-- "normal." We spent ten minutes arguing and the next three days in a weird state of making up, me guilt-filled and scared that he was going to leave, him emotionally exhausted and pretending everything was just fine. On Tuesday he called me while I was at work and asked if I would support his decision to put in his notice at work, and I know this sounds crazy but I was ecstatic to hear that-- he hates his job, I hate his job, so my response was yes, of course. On Wednesday, he called me in a state of panic because his older brother had been missing for four days, turned out he checked himself into a motel to drink alone for the better part of the week. Matt came home later that evening after the impromptu intervention he and his family staged and my heart ached for him. He looked at me with those eyes, and he was tired and hurting, and he said, "I just had to sell my brother his own life." So where are we now? It has been one week since our breakdown and I think I have realized what I need to change about my own behavior. For three or four days after the fight I was a wreck, thinking that maybe I should just end it because I make it worse for him, I hurt him more and more, he'd be better without me, but that was a cop-out on my part. Things are almost back to normal now. We are back to movies in the evenings and phone calls during the day, back to conversation about things other than me feeling guilty and him wanting to forget about it all, back to joking and laughing and it feels good. I think I did a couple of things kind of wrong when we started out, I met him and I saw my future before I even got a chance to enjoy my present, does that make sense? Like we were so perfect that I just KNEW, I could feel that he was the one for me, and maybe that was too much pressure for the both of us. I tried too hard to be the girl I thought he would love the most instead of the girl I really am because I thought maybe that would make him love me as much as I love him. What he loves? The way I talk to my dogs like they are people, he says, the way I exclaim proudly, "So a MAJOR is the boss of the LIEUTENANT, right babe?" when he teaches me about military structure and the way I drive my car like I am steering a ship, he loves the way the dogs and I jump all over him when he comes home from work and the loves when we go to bed together at night. And I love this new feeling that it is okay to just be Ang, not the housewife or the future mother of his children or the perfect girlfriend, just Ang. Things are looking up for me, and for him, and for us together. 10:05 a.m. - 2008-07-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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