mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I guess that my last entry painted a pretty accurate picture of my home life as of three weeks ago. The day after I wrote that, Matt and I had a long talk about the state of our relationship. I confessed to my constant snooping, although I was too ashamed and scared to tell him everything. He said he had known for a long time what I was doing. He never brought it up because he didn't want to have the fight that would happen if he did. We talked about the way we treated each other, the gap that had grown between us. I think a lot of the issues are either fixed or in the process of being fixed. Aside from one incident, I haven't snooped at all, haven't touched his cell phone or gone through the computer history at all. That isn't something to be proud of, but it is something. I'm just so scared, you know, we feel so TOXIC sometimes. We have hurt each other so much that I wonder if we can ever be just madly, simply in love. When he thinks about me, I want him to think, my god, I love and trust this woman and I would consider myself lucky to spend my life with her! But I haven't been that girl, I haven't been the kind of girl he could or should think that about. And the day could never come when he is happy and the waiting and hanging in there pays off. I want to try, though. I love him too much not to. 12:49 a.m. - 2009-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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