mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- standinginthebacklookingaround I think I'm finally well again, guys. I think I'm finally ready to put the past away and start being alive again. For the longest time, I've had problems trusting people. I've had problems loving people, and allowing myself to be loved. I've had problems with hating myself, and hating everyone else, and hating the world and the government and society and the media and the rich and the poor and the beautiful and anybody else hateable. I'm ready now, friends, to leave that all behind. I was lying in bed last night, trying desperately to sleep. My eyes were wide open, finding shapes on the ceiling. My hands were clenching and unclenching and wringing the sheets. Sleepless nights are the breeding grounds for eath-shaking epiphanies. I was thinking about my life, and how horrible it was. I was thinking about my past and my hardships and everything that everybody owed me. And then I stopped. And I realized that nobody owed me anything. And that everybody has had hardships and reasons to cry. I realized that if I kept shutting myself off the way I had been, eventually, people would stop trying to reach me. That scared me more than any horrible memory I could possibly drag up. The thought that someday, I'd get what I had been working at for so long. I'd be alone. Like maybe someday I'd sit back to sift through old photographs, and they wouldn't mean anything. Or my kids would ask me about what I was like when I was their age, and I'd be ashamed to tell them. Like maybe someday I'd be searching and searching for a good memory, and there wouldn't be any. I'm not sure where to go with all of this now, but I'm going to stop being so afraid of everyone. I was sick, but now I'm well again, and there's work to be done. 10:33 p.m. - 2002-10-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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