mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- youre not discreet It's such an enormous thing, to walk, and to listen. I question myself more and more each day. Like now, I'm wondering if what I'm feeling is contentment, or if it's despair. Is this what it means, being independent? Is this loneliness? Is it happiness, maybe, deep and still happiness? Sigh. Lately, I've been busy, busy with work, and with Christmas gift-making, and busy filling my social obligations. I've been so busy that when I'm finally alone, I have no idea what to do with myself. I think, maybe, I'd like somebody to share every moment with. Crystal tries her best to keep me from feeling alone, but she has her own problems. I can't expect her to carry mine, too. I'd like to sleep with Jack- Sleep, just sleep. We'd talk, I'm sure, right until our eyes closed. Maybe they wouldn't close at all, given that the both of us often suffer bouts of insomnia. I'd like to see what he's like just before he drops off, hear what he says when he's too tired to care anymore. We'd talk about music, and our families. He'd ask me questions, and he'd let me ramble on and on like I do sometimes. He does it, too, and that's fine. I like hearing what he has to say. Funny thing- When I dig down to the heart of these bad/good/frightening/wonderful feelings, Matt is still there. 2:49 a.m. - 2002-12-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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