mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- yellowhair So. I'm in Michigan. If you ignore the landscape, the climate, and the people, its a lot like Vegas. I feel... the same. I feel the same. I spoke with Crystal tonight about the same old shit that has been a bone of contention with us for several years now. Begins with an "M," ends with "TT," and has an "A" in the middle. I really and truly have no idea why any of the stupid, petty emotions I experience regularly because of Matt have any meaning any more. I don't. I don't know why I let it get to me. He doesn't give a shit about me. Never has. Never will. Even if he does, he doesn't offer it in the way I need it. Crystal, though, Crystal is true blue. She's a good girl. I realized tonight that for all of the bitching I do about the way the two of them have hurt me in the past, there has always been a simple solution to all of those problems. I didn't want to see it, so I didn't, but it was there. I HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE. I have to choose one or the other. So I choose her. I'm sure that I'll doubt my choice at times, but right now, I am sure. I can't be around both of them and be happy-- and this is funny because its so remarkably similar to what Amy chose to do-- so I'm letting him go. Let him make me a martyr when I go, too. Although Michigan is a miserable, cold state, I'm so tempted to stay here. I wouldn't tell anybody, not even my family, I would just disappear into the woods one day and never return to the world outside. Hmmph. Childish musings, ain't they grand? I'm just sick of becoming more and more sure that I'll never find what I want from life in other people. I keep looking and looking, recalling conversations, rereading letters, and I never find It. I guess what I want is somebody who loves me so much that they would give up anything for my happiness. I'm selfish, I know. It would just be a nice feeling, though-- I would give anything up for my sister, or for Crystal, or for Katelynne. I want somebody to feel like that about me. 1:50 a.m. - 2004-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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