mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- scarred I walked home out of my mind tonight, thinking about life and living and love and dying and filled with terror that the end of the world was coming then and there and I was alone and sad and guilty. And crazy, but then, I am always crazy. Something is broken in my life, in my body and mind. Something important has shut down and I don't know how to fix it. I have fallen away from myself, from everything that I used to think was major and essential and unable to be destroyed. I'm carrying around lead weights in its stead. I saw a man on the bus today wearing a burnsurvivors.org tee-shirt. The side of his face that was nearest me was whitish pink, mottled, hard looking. His nose was gone, replaced with two dime-sized holes where it used to be. I don't think he had eyelids. That must be one hell of a lonely life, with people either too full of pity to do anything but coo at you or else afraid to look straight at you. And I feel alienated? I feel fucking ostracized? I wish I was the sort of person who had the guts to go up and talk to people. I would have let him know how shitty he looked and that I didn't care and that I was sorry for the rest of us who can't even view him as a person anymore. I would have apologized for feeling pity for him. 9:24 p.m. - 2004-09-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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