mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

burst under pressure

So I stand back and I watch, right? I stand back and watch, like I'm at the wrong end of a long tunnel, and I wonder why that, all that at the other side, isn't mine. It should be. Right?
And then an image moves like magic across the window, and I stop and blink and swallow hard and think, My God! I have touched that in my life! I have touched that! I carry on and I make big plans.

My job is eating me up, it is, but changing my life in good ways and in bad ways. Like this morning somebody called in sick and I thought, "You lazy fucking cunt. Fucking faker!" And then I realized that I had no sympathy for them, and I felt guilty. Something changes about me when I walk through those doors, and it scares me, and I like it a little bit, too. In there I am... capable. Strong. Tough. And on the outside, the second I leave? A fucking marshmallow, unable to make decisions or function like a grown-up. On the inside, though, I am hard and surefooted and in there, I feel like I have a purpose, like I finally have a tiny bit of power. Take the good with the bad, right?
I sit outside, in my backyard. Because now I have one. And I can walk through the grass without shoes if I want to, or I could plant tomatoes or daisies or a peach tree. This little place is home, now, and I feel it every time I hear the leaves crunch under my feet as I walk up the front lawn and every time the hot water runs out and every time the heater coils turn orange with heat.

One down, two to go.

11:07 p.m. - 2005-01-11

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next