mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I am currently on day five of my bout with bronchitis (although Dr. Son referred to it as an "acute upper respiratory bacterial infection." I have decided that he meant "bronchitis.") I am afraid to try to sleep because last night I was up until 5am hacking and choking on the shit my lungs wanted OUT and nothing really seemed to help, not cough drops or benzonatate pills or hot tea or half a bottle of Nyquil. And I am so crazy about some things some times, particularly medicine, that after my second or third fluid ounce of cough syrup it occurred to me that I could die in the night from a drug interaction so paranoia also kept me up. It has been almost two weeks since The Boy contacted me in any way and what the hell was I thinking, anyway? I just hate dating, I hate the dating scene, I hate the parade of douchebags that I always inevitably meet before I come across one semi-decent, semi-interesting guy. And then I generally date that so-so guy for a couple of years before I realize that he is not even a little bit what I want and it isn't his fault or my fault, it just is what it is. And with this guy, I was thinking, hey, I like you. I like your voice and the things you say. I like your laugh and your smile. I like how open you are and how driven you seem to be. I was talking to Zach the other day and I said, "All I want is to find a guy who is smart, funny, attractive, who doesn't live with his parents, has a job, likes animals, isn't terrified of commitment, reads a fuckin' book now and then, is supportive, is surprising, doesn't bug the shit out of me, has his own life, pushes me to be better, and maybe will let me beat him up from time to time when we have sex. Is that too much to ask?" And Zach said, yeah, well, kind of. So I have temporarily given up on dating. Instead, I am trying to focus on getting myself into a place where I feel comfortable with who I am again. The past two years with Matt have just sapped me. I dragged my feet getting out of it because by the time I was fed up and ready to quit I was also convinced that I was--am, whatever-- completely unlovable, a battleax, ugly and unsexy, boring, and so on. It's important to me that I feel a little better about myself, that I feel like a whole person again, before I start dating. When I went out with Dustin a few months ago, I asked what he was looking for and one of the things he said was that it was important to him that the person he chose to be with had a similar education level. It reminded me--painfully-- that I still haven't checked "gone to college" off of my lifetime to do list. A few days ago, after completing all of the possible activities that I could do while housebound, I filled out a student loan application and one to UNLV. I can still make my house payment if I budget carefully and work part time. The hardest part is done. I'm going to try to sleep now. 1:44 a.m. - 2009-12-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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