mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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One entry every ten months? I guess that is the speed I am running at these days. There has been a lot of change in my life over the past year, the most note-worthy of all that Chris and I have split up. It was a couple weeks before Christmas when things reached the breaking point and we agreed, sadly, that we just aren't compatible as a couple. We still live together, still parent together. We are buddies, the same as we were for more than a year prior to the split. My family knows but his does not. How do you share these private things? There just was never a good moment. Our friends know, mine and his. Freedom feels wonderful and terrifying. Time and emotional distance has provided insight on the matter. Who I am, as a partner, what I need to do differently the next time I fall in love and commit. Communicate gently. Trust more, laugh more. Carve the time out of each day to reconnect and reinforce the bond. He and I, we never made that a priority. I am aware of the importance of these small things now and I would like to make them a part of my life going forward.
I met somebody. Not too long ago. I mean, back in November when my relationship was open but intact, I made a friend who helped me plug back in to my sexuality. I maintained the appropriate distance. Drove over once a week, fucked, came home and got back to "normal" life. This went on until the middle of February. I juggled and danced and kept two separate lives. Near the end of February, I met a man for coffee on a Tuesday afternoon. We talked for nearly three hours across a cafe table, we took a walk in the park, we ate lunch and talked more. I didn't plan on anything genuine developing. He texted me later than night, "I want to see you again." And so we went out that weekend, made out furiously in the front seat of his car. I cancelled a date with somebody else the next night. I wasn't sure why, but seeing this other person just wasn't as appealing anymore. Several weeks and several dates later he came back from a week-long trip out of town and told me he missed me while he was gone. I missed him too. It caught me off guard. I wasn't ready for this but I suppose being ready has little to do with it. His name is Kyle. He has beautiful eyes. He is funny and sweet and smart and soft-hearted. I don't know what the fuck I am doing. I don't even know if I remember how to do this whole thing. I'm trying not to overthink and just enjoy each moment.

11:03 a.m. - 2015-03-27

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