mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Lease Runs Out Next Week "...And I love this place, the enormous skies..." Zach ahd a date tonight, and so I had a nervous breakdown. I was teary, a mass of insecurity. I called him and demanded that he devote his life to me. I actually said that. His reaction was not what I wanted. He laughed in my face. I know that if I put forth a little bit more of an effort, I could meet many wonderful, funny, sweet guys who would love to be with me, but I can't take that first step: I am not capable of letting anyone know that I exist. Yesterday, I noticed an interesting looking guy staring at me from the corner of his eye while I was in line at the bookstore. I desperately wanted to say something- anything- but when I tried to open my mouth, it felt like it had been glued shut. Literally. He glanced at me over his shoulder as he walked out the door, and I mentally banged my head on the cash register because I knew then that he probably was feeling the same way I was. Fuck me. Anyhow, I spent time with some friends tonight. sXe and I went over to Candace's new apartment, and we all sat and talked for hours. Her balcony looks over the mountain that all of the schoolkids tell alien stories about, and we stood and leaned over the railings and wondered about the lights up there. Candace is my complete opposite as far as religion goes. I walked into her house, and when I turned to shut the door, I saw the Lords Prayer posted on the wall beside it. Her calendar is covered with biblical passages and things like, "Thank you for this month, Jesus!" Her dresser is also covered with such sentiments, and there are crosses all over. Candace is a really great person, but she almost scares me sometimes. I get the feeling that she isn't really living her life for herself- She is truly living for God. She feels guilty about doing things that everybody does, for making mistakes that everybody makes. I worry about her. I worry that someday, something terrible will happen, and she will question her faith, and her world will fall apart. Religion is a touchy subject for me. I think that while most religions preach about love (which is good, duh) they also, very subtly teach about hate (which is bad, duh). You must love your fellow man, yet you must also try to convince him that your God is the only right one. You must accept him but try to turn him into a member of your church. You must repent. You must pray. You must confess, or fast, or say Hail Marys until your voice goes hoarse. Oh, and you must also show up at church on Sunday or shul on Saturday to be heaven-bound, but fuck what you did the rest of the week. The ideas are good, but the hypocrisy is just too obvious and strong. Any religion that preaches anything but love, happiness, and compassion is not for me- Which is why I havent found one I belong with yet. 1:39 a.m. - 2002-07-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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