mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rusty Train Track Ties This is for me. I wont be offended if you hate it. 7-23 Fuck me for loving you and fuck you for not loving me back. You want truth? It has always been you. Any man beside me or on top of me was so pale in comparison to just a memory of you. And yeah, if Im not crazy already, I will be soon because Ill always wait no matter how much I hate myself for it. Fuck you for pretending. Fuck you for lying. Fuck you for understanding. Fuck you for being so beautiful. Fuck you for being all I need. Fuck you, and I love you. 5-15 So you finally caught your breath. Funny, I remember the strangest things: You held out your arms and spun in crooked circles, like you were tied to the top of the world, like you were twisting in sync with a larger revolution. And then how you would widen your eyes and look less man and more child. And then how you tapped your fingers and reminded me off pieces of white paper blowing down a sidewalk. 4-31 I hope you realize the spiritual aspect of this friendship. I have made you my messiah. 7-1 You and I, shoulder to shoulder, walk down the quietest street in the world, the day's dust burnishing out skin gold. You never wanted, you say, you never wanted anything more than this absolute silence, with me and the sky and the emptiness of this city lane. We leave footprints deep and lonely in the filthy gutters but we feel nothing give in at all. 8-5 Matt. Do you remember that day in tenth grade when you took the bus home with me after school? We were the only ones home. We watched Better Off Dead on the couch together. Your chest was flat against my back. And remember how we almost kissed? And how you held my face in your hands and told me that we were meant to be friends and nothing more? Remember when we worked on our English II project at your house? Ahsley and Christina didnt bother coming, but you, Crystal, and I worked really hard on it. We used green plastic army men. Remember? I still have one of them somewhere. Remember when you, Crystal, Justin, and I went bowling on Halloween of 99? Justin got mad and left, so the rest of us took the city bus back to your house. Crystal was lying in between us in your bed and I was so jealous. The police came looking for us because Crystal's mom was worried. Remember? Remember when I ran into you, Amy, and Theo at the Bunko Squad show at the cafe on Sunset? I only wanted to hang out with you, but I ended up sleeping at Amy's house. I even went to church with her the next morning. You still had long hair then. You were wearing a green cardigan. I was wearing a black skirt and a brown t shirt. One time, you and Anthony were at my house and we were drinking screwdrivers. You taught me how to waltz. We were in the kitchen, on the tile, and I kept falling down. And once, I was too sick to go see Samiam, so you brought a t shirt back for me. And I bought you a hardcover Vonnegut book for your eighteenth birthday, and I wrote inside of it so you couldnt return it. You never gave my Inside cd back. I really liked that cd. We went to see Pennys Pet Dragonfly and two of the guys from Expert at Roma. Amy and Lee were there. You went to sit by them and you left me by myself. Remember when we saw Jonah? I still have the ticket stub. It was on March 26, 2002. Who knew that seven months could stretch so far? On the way there, you said that you hated the song 14-41. Remember that? Remember why? You bought me an almond italian soda that night. Remember when you accidentally took one of Anthonys Aderol for a headache? Remember when you wouldnt say anything unless it was through your megaphone? Remember when you came to pick me up from work, the day you got Norm? I got LaVerne the same night. Remember when we hung out with Sasha and when we dropped her off at Mugshots to get her car, the cops pulled us over and harrassed us for hours? We used to love the same words in the same lines of the same songs. We used to know everything about each other. Remember when I used to take the bus to your house to see you? And you used to brush your teeth obsessively. And your hands used to shake all the time. Maybe they still do. Remember our stupid pact? How were supposed to get married no matter what when were 25? Remember how we used to talk on the phone every single day? Remember how I said, "Go Luckdragons!" on the newscast junior year? Once, we went to FAO Shwartz fifteen minutes before closing to buy Lise a present for her sixth birthday? We were running through the store frantically, trying to dodge security. It was the first time I saw you with your new haircut. Remember when I stole your jean shorts that were way too big? I wore them just to bug you. You hated the way they fell down when I walked. We got into a huge fight once. We were walking past the portable classrooms at school. It was right after Amy and Anthony had broken up. We didnt speak for months after that. I broke one day. I missed you so bad. I wrote you a seven page letter and I kept trying to give it to you, but I was so scared. Finally, I called your name. It was right after the last bell rang. You looked back at me, and then you turned and kept walking. I called you again. You looked suprised. I walked to you. Pressed it into yopur hand. The note was damp because my palms were so sweaty. Remember? Because I live with these memories every day. And there are a million more. 5-22 We stride these streets with starless eyes, shut off from the world around us. This is all we have ever managed to build between us, all we could ever leave in one piece. There is rubble at our feet, tearing at our shoes and at our skin, and we dont feel a thing, dont breathe a word, dont notice the blood on the sidewalk. This isolated sector is ours, and ours alone, and no one will ever tear us loose. And when you left, I wrote you letters. One a day. I kept them unsent in my pockets to feel that weight against my leg. 3:06 a.m. - 2002-09-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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