mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there was always your voice Chuck, oh, Chuck, your voice sends me into spirals. Listening to Hot Water Music right now-"Where We Belong," to be specific- And trying to shake the feelings of inadequacy I've been having lately. Everybody goes through this, right? I mean, everybody questions their own self-worth every once in awhile, right? I've been thinking about death lately, thanks to the horrible nightmares that have been plaguing me nightly. The worst one, the one that made me wake up gasping for air and sobbing like a child, was earlier this week. In the dream, I was involved in a terrible car accident with my younger sister. We survived the crash, but as soon as we climbed out of the mangled car, we received a phone call from the police, telling us that our Mother was dead. Upon hearing the news, Lise, my sister, began growing thinner and thinner until finally, she was just a skeleton dressed in a child's clothing. I think I woke up because I was screaming. Eh. Anyhow, I figure that right now is the perfect time to begin mapping my future. What can I do to set myself apart? I don't want to become (remain, really) a faceless, nameless piece of the world. I don't want to be unextraordinary, and the thought that I might end up being just that has been eating away at me day and night. I suppose, though, that it doesn't really matter as much as I think it does. My Grandmother, for instance, is still a driving force behind many of my actions to this day. She died three years ago, after spending the previous seventy-seven living a quiet, housewife's life. By no means was she famous, or a trailblazer of any sort, but she was beautiful and marvelous all the same. Maybe someday, sixty years from now, a young, confused girl will be writing about me. That could be enough, maybe. 10:54 p.m. - 2002-12-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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