mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the neon god they made Yes. Seeing my old boyfriend has put me in a strange mood. It shouldn't be a big deal-- I'll bet he doesn't even remember me as anything especially significant-- but it feels like a big deal. We were good friends, once, when my step-father was still slapping me around, when Mom was still the miserable shadow she used to be, when I was angry and scared and full of hate. He was my first everything, really, and he was the only thing I had to look forward to. We were really young, fourteen, fifteen, and of course, one day there was a stupid fight and we stopped talking. Why am I thinking about this so much? There are so many people in my life, and even more people that have been lost to me along the way. I just wonder, sometimes, what could have been. You know, if there was something I could have said, something tiny, something that may have been on the tip of my tongue, that would have changed the course of my life. Where would I be now if I'd kept my temper during a few crucial moments? If I'd not been so afraid to say "I love you, too" when somebody needed to hear it? I think about Jack a lot, too-- Meeting him felt like magic, like something that had been written long before either of us were born. What could I have said or done to make that friendship last forever? ...And then I wonder if someone bigger has a plan for me, or if I have to make my own. Maybe it isn't too late to rebuild old bonds. 1:37 p.m. - 2003-10-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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