mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- to do, Fri. Jan. 16 Where did Frances go? Come back, Frances. Since I have this whole lovely, marvelous week off of work, I volunteered to watch Jeromy's daughter yesterday and today while he's at school. Aside from the cranky periods here and there, it's been fun, but man, there is nothing in the world that can make you feel like a heel more than a kid can. For example, I was combing Katelynne's veryveryvery curly hair yesterday morning, and she let out a few squeals when I got to the tangles. It was early, and I was pre-coffee, so I told her, somewhat impatiently, to be quiet, and I kept combing. She turned around and looked at me with big, teary, pathetic eyes, and I felt like the hugest asshole ever to walk the planet. I imagine that parenthood feels a lot like that: Constant guilt. I'll stick with babysitting, thanks. Maybe adopt me a nice ten year old someday, so that when I hurt their feelings they can tell me to fuck right off and I won't feel so bad. This is your brain on hydrocondone cough syrup and two mugs full of espresso: ............ .... . ....... .................. .... ............ .......... .. ...... Yeah, I think that my brain waves must look something like that right now. I closed my eyes a few minutes ago and tipped back in the chair and my head-blood shifted and I swear to Christ, I forgot where I was. Did I tell you all about the Big Stupid Pregnancy Scare I had earlier this month? Three weeks late, four pregnancy tests, nails chewed down to the quick-- I was convinced that I was pregnant. It really forced me to rethink my plans and priorities. I've been kind of drifting along aimlessly for the past couple of months, taking my time, not worrying about those Grown-Up things I should have been worrying about. In the past, I've made long lists of all of the things I wanted to do-- simple things, like becoming fluent in Spanish and practicing the guitar more often, and big-deal, once-in-a-lifetime things, like travelling the world, writing down all of the stories I've mapped out in my mind, buying a house-- and it's time for me to break out those lists and get started. Maybe I'll even frame them and check the items off as I complete them, a sort-of "to-do's" for a lifetime, a constant reminder of what I'm working toward. 11:29 a.m. - 2004-01-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||