mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the good that wont come out I wear these huge fucking headphones and pretend I can't hear what is going on around me. The volume is as high as it will go, and it still isn't loud enough. The outside still comes through. Right now, Jeromy and Joe are playing an extremely awful cd on Crystal's computer while Crystal's sister bitches and gripes in the other room. Crystal and her boyfriend left for the weekend and, for whatever reason, decided to let the fifteen year old stay behind. She's been doing and saying exactly what she likes for the past few days, and I. Do. Not. Care. Apparently, she stayed out all night wandering the streets yesterday, looking for her other sister-- The crack whore sister, not Crystal. My response was probably not what anyone expected: I DIDN'T respond. Not so much as a blink. She isn't my kid. Not my responsibility. I do wish she'd get around to doing her part of the housework, though. Hmmph. I've been having strange dreams lately. Not nightmares, just very surreal and... gauzy. Like I'm wearing a veil that not only places a thick layer of fog on everything I gaze upon but also continuously seeps some myserious hallucinogen that soaks into my skull and distorts everything around me. Maybe I'm finally joining the rest of my people on the other side of sane. Who knows. Who cares? A boy has been featuring prominently in my dreams, as well, but this doesn't make me feel crazy so much as incredibly guilty. And trapped. Those beautiful dreams remind me that I am trapped. I am exceedingly grouchy and cantankerous today. I slept for far too long and as a result, my muscles are achy and tight and my head hurts, and, in other health news, I think I've contracted a cold because I have an awful cough and my nose has ben perpetually stuffy for the past week or so. And that is that. So I wear these headphones, but I'm still able to hear the shouting and the complaining and the general sounds of what happens when you throw two obnoxious twenty-something boys into an apartment with a fifteen year old girl who thinks the world owes her something. I was in the car with Matt the other day and the music was so loud and the bass was so deep that the world outside of the car ceased to exist. I felt safe and happy. I think I put it like this: "I feel like I am in a womb of sound." 5:05 p.m. - 2004-09-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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