mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Secret Code

NEW FRIEND APPLICATION:

1. Do you have any history of unusual mental issues, neuroses, or peculiar quirks?
2. Could you potentially find my wordy-nerd pride adorable, or, failing that, tolerable?
3. Will you promise to love my dogs?
4. Could you consider "fucker," "bitch," "cunt," or "whore" affectionate nicknames?
5. Will you promise to never, ever steal from me, lie to me, or use me terribly?
6. Can you deal with mega-amounts of physical affection?
7. Will you endure my crappy poetry?
8. Can I trust you?
9. Do you like nonsense/dead baby jokes?
10. Do you classify yourself as somewhat mystical?

If you answered "yes, ma'am," to eight or more of these questions, please submit your application along with a headshot, five references, and a contact number. Responses may take five to ten business days.

PS. A tip for you all, free of charge--

AVOID PEOPLE WITH THE FOLLOWING NAMES:
1. Matt
2. Jason
3. Crystal Dawn (or Crystal, or Dawn)
4. Tony
5. Chad, Brad, Thad, or any name ending in "ad" or anything that makes that sound

PPS. Hey, douchebag: "I'll go as long as Angela isn't there." What the fuck is that? Your stupid big blue eyes weren't that great, anyhow. And besides, you want a tattoo of a fucking GOLDFISH.

PPPS. I hate the world... but love "going dancing." Hey, Other Friend, when you get home, can we go out so I can hit on more gross girls with cute glasses and watch you dance? And maybe you can kick my ass later on, but better this time?

PPPPS. O jsyr ,udr;g smf esmy yp givlomh rc[;pfr. Niy O eo;; yslr upit sdd eoyj ,r. Rsy djoy smf for. ,syy smf Vtudys;!

1:35 a.m. - 2006-05-07

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next