mainsqueeze's Diaryland
Diary
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angela the revelator
My god, it's a scary thing when you decide you want to change your life and you know, really and truly, that this time you are actually going to do it. It's scary because, yeah, the life you have now feels stale and predictable and way too far below what you know you could have but the new life, the one you're fighting for? What if it's worse? What if you fail? What if (and this is the scariest part) you find out that this life is the one that you are supposed to have?
Money. Money problems again. As a transfer student I am looking at between 17,000 and 25,000 just for school, not counting rent and food and power. I am looking at UCB and UGA and UMA. I am looking at Georgia and California and Michigan and New Jersey, god forbid, New Fucking Jersey, because I have to get out of this place, for real, for really real. Ed said that I shouldn't need to leave to be happy and I know that, I do, I swear I said it once to a friend, but I need a clean slate. Less history, less people who know me and hate me or love me but still kinda dislike me. Too many memories, like when I drive down any street in this whole stupid city and say, I worked there, or, my friend lives down that street, or I totally made out with some guy in the bathroom of that place. I want to go far away and blossom into somebody new and unrecognizable and when I come back, I want all of these old friends and boyfriends and coworkers to see it all at once, not slow and gradual; I want them to have a BEFORE picture in their heads so that the AFTER is so drastic that they finally know I'm better than they thought I was.
I'm so excited and so scared and so ready to break out of the shape I stuffed myself into because I thought it would fit just right but it doesn't.
California. Georgia. Michigan. New Jersey. Washington. Oregon. Texas. Florida. Massachusetts. I'm ready.
12:33 a.m. - 2002-01-01
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