mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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Heaven Restores You In Life

Bleh, bleh, bleh. I really should have opted to hang out with Ed tonight because I am one lonesome and miserable bitch right now. Premenstrual, I think. Whatever. I had another dream about Nikki two nights ago... I think I was semi-awake and somehow my mind wandered to the subject of suicide and there was a period of about thirty seconds where I was thinking, wow, good thing she didn't actually do it, brain playing tricks on me and for those entirely awesome and wonderful thirty seconds, I believed it: I believed she was alive. I jerked out of it, of course...
About two weeks ago some people I used to wait on at Mugshots came in to my cafe and we got to talking and they asked, smiling and laughing, "Hey, where's Nicole working these days? We want to stop by and see her," and I swear, I felt my smile crack like a plaster mask and I had to say it, had to say, "Nikki passed away in October." Their smiles cracked, too. They wanted to know how and I said, "Accident." Just that. Hard to go back to joking and talking about how the grandbaby is now seven years old and how their daughter is looking for a new job after that bomb gets dropped. And then the regular, the crying in a bathroom stall and thinking whywhywhyimissyoustupidisthisadream?
This afternoon I made the mistake of telling my father that I am moving out of state in January. Enter the pleading voice, the wheedling "whydon'tyoucomeouthereforawhilegotoschoolbeclosetothefamily," and I said, Dad, Daddy, I need to be somewhere where nobody knows me. I need to change. I am twenty-three years old and I have no idea what I want except for to be something other than what I am. I have to become a better person and to do that I have to start over away from everything that is holding me back. Believe me, I'm not stupid enough to think that anything other than me is holding me back but I'm lazy. This is the easy way, jerk myself out of familiar territory and see who I am when the people around me have no idea that I am a scared, weird, moody ball of mess. See if maybe a better part of me comes out.

2:59 a.m. - 2006-05-028

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