mainsqueeze's Diaryland
Diary
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never be afraid
If you tell yourself over and over again, "This doesn't hurt," after a long, long time you will believe it and even if people see you muttering, "This doesn't hurt, I feel fine," maniacally under your breath and they cross to the other side of the street when you walk by that is okay because it doesn't hurt at all. You feel fine.
Fragile. I asked did he think I was fragile, and he said yeah. I argued and told him I was tough but he said, no, you are definitely fragile. And then one night I walked up the stairs outside to his waiting car and I saw two brown female shoulders, bare and shiny-tight, attached to a brown shiny body and a pretty face with too much makeup sitting in my seat next to him and I slow my walk down to a trudge so that by the time I reach the car my face will be blank and empty, cool as a cucumber, kiddo, that is how I am, cool and collected. Fragile, he said, and this was the easy way to say everything while saying nothing: I'm sorry, but I don't choose you. A long letter written with no words but instead just a scene of what normal looks like, what color reality is.
I took a personality test the other day and learned that I am an INFP. I have been this always and forever but I have never known. I answered 100 questions and then there I was, staring at sentences like ATTRACTED TO SAD THINGS, DISORGANIZED, DAYDREAMS ABOUT PEOPLE TO MAINTAIN A SENSE OF CLOSENESS, MOODY, SELF-SABOTAGING, sentences that are me and that apparently are other people, too. A whole world of people like me ad I confess that I am relieved that others feel the weight I feel, the weight of everything and everyone and everywhere and for all time flowing through them and ripping them at the seams because we can't hold on to anything or save anyone and we are doomed to be this way forever. Guided by morals and values, it said, and true, I have always felt guided by something, by god, by voices, by faces in the walls. I've always felt that I have a divine purpose and I have always felt that maybe I am just as crazy as my alien-abductee father who is gentle and kind and constantly looking for some way to make this world mean something more than it really does. One thing it said indirectly was that people like me never get better, we just hurt forever until we die because we isolate ourselves from reality and feel pain when the rest of the world doesn't understand. I always hoped I'd grow out of this but apparently it isn't something you grow out of-- it is you.
I've stopped taking the dogs on late-night walks recently because of the rash of murders in the area. I like to go out with my earphones in and music loud enough to cause discomfort and would you just think of it? All the times I've just narrowly missed disaster? The shooting down the street while I strolled oblivious with Jeff Mangum screaming in my head and the drugs that caught The Girl by the wrist while I daydreamed about boys and girls and my future and the hands that tightened around my throat while I travelled to Mars in my mind and became just limp enough that he got scared and dropped me, all of the planes that haven't crashed into the mountains... I am lucky but I don't feel it. And tonight, right now, I don't care about luck or murders so I am plugging myself into the sound and taking the dogs for a long walk in the dark.
1:18 a.m. - 2002-01-01
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