mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- never young Good god, guys, so many millions of things I want to do and touch and taste and feel and see and smell and hold in my hands and more and more lately I feel like I am somehow running out of time. All of my passion is internal. Does that make since? Like maybe on the surface I seem semi-crazy and just sort of boring and almost regular but underneath I am fucking boiling and churning like a river. For example at this very moment I am a clenched fist and I am listening to a beautiful song and I never want to sleep and I want to burn brighter and hotter than anything or anyone ever and I want to explode out of this stupid shell and cover the walls and hungry crowds and I want to scream and hurt my own ears. I want to feel less and do more, think less and act more, theorize less and BE more. I want to move to Athens right now and show up a blank slate that I can paint any fucking color I want to. I want to fall in love and fall out of whatever the hell I am in now and I want to be happy and brilliant forever and ever and never die and never forget how amazing manic feels at first before the slippery slide back down. I want to be alive, and I'm not, and I don't know how to be, but I'm trying really hard to carve a life for myself. Okay? So when you see me someday I will either be famous and adored or crazy and feared or maybe pitied but I swear to fucking christ I will not be only this. 1:03 a.m. - 2002-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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