mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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Four Leaf Clover

Back from vacation for three short days and I already miss the water. And the sun. And the sand. It's strange that I should miss that because the first time I stood in front of the ocean I almost collapsed looking at it, stretched from the place I was standing to a place so far away I couldn't see it, water in front of me and on either side, grey and cold and deep and fucking endless. The ocean scares me. Things that are way beyond my understanding scare me, and that water is so deep... I do now understand why people flock to California. The first civilizations were formed around water. It seems fitting that that would be where people feel most comfortable. I couldn't even count the number of beautiful, barefoot girls that looked so fucking happy and carefree that I smiled looking at them. Youth. I forget that I still have it.
Tiara came on vacation with us. Seven going on eight and my god, she reminds me of her Mother. It isn't even the face but the things she says. The way she laughs. How she sings. Nikki is still here, even if she doesn't want to be. I kept thinking, the whole trip, that she should have been there with us. Tiara wouldn't ride with anybody else but me on the scary rides, like Thunder Mountain Railroad or whatever the fuck it's called or Pirates of the Carribean or, oddly, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. It's a kids' ride that takes you through hell where the temperature in the room actually goes way up. I must say that if I was seven, I would be scared, too. Also spent a good chunk of time with my sister, and she is sweet and smart and amazing, but I see so much of myself in her that it terrifies me. I see the teenage, angry Angela in her and if there is anything I want to protect her from, it's that; I don't want her to be like me. I have faith in her, though. I know she'll find herself and hopefully, the self she finds won't be so much like me.
Ed left for NC yesterday. I met his friend Murph on Monday night. I told him that two domineering, possessive women cannot get along no matter how much they have in common... I liked her alright but I got the feeling she didn't like me. I'm not that concerned. Anyhow, Ed is going to be gone for two weeks. Maybe more if one of the many girls he loves asks him to move back home. Strange how I've only know him for, what, five months if that and I am already feeling a little out of sorts today because Thursdays, Sundays, and sometimes Wednesdays are EdAngela days. And today is Thursday and it's just me, at the public library, updating my journal for the first time in two weeks.
I'm going to finish printing out yet more college shit, and then I'm going to drink so much coffee that I stay awake for days. Love, love, love.

4:49 p.m. - 2006-08-03

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