mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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mouth of a man devouring us both

My Mother turned fifty on Wednesday. I hate her aging more than I hate my own. Fifty. It occasionally occurs to me here and there that my Mother will die before I do. My Mom will probably be dead before I turn fifty. God, I wish I could avoid thinking about that forever. Right now, though, my Mom is alive and beautiful and wholly awesome and amazing. She is one very hot, young fifty. So happy birthday, Mom. I love you.
The past week has been really weird in that I feel like I'm going through the mourning process all over again. Mare-Ingenii lost a brother last year, right around the time Nicole died, and she said in one entry that it seems like "and then my brother died," prefaces everything she has to say about her life these days. And I maybe don't write it so much, or say it, but I get that. Because when I watch movies now, I gauge how old they are based on whether or not she could have seen them. I have cried like a baby for the past three nights in a row because I still wish... you know what I wish. I have even considered going to see a psychic, even though I think that "psychics" by and large are complete assholes who want to take advantage of gullible, desperate people. I have become one of those people, I guess. I just really want to talk to her. And I don't want to wait for it.
Ed has been gone-- at a wedding back in North Carolina-- for two weeks now. I found out a handful of days ago that he will be gone for two more weeks because of a court date he just found out about. I miss him. Jody asked me why I care as much as I do and I was kind of at a loss at first. I thought about it for awhile and I said, "He gets what it feels like to blame yourself for something terrible." And I mean that. He blames himself for everything. When Ed tells me that something isn't my fault, one big something in particular, I believe him more than I would anybody else. And he is always there when I need him. Except for right now, I mean. Right now he is either in NC or he has travelled to Atlanta to sleep with any of the number of girls that fucking swoon when he walks into the room. Sigh.
I have seven minutes left on this terminal. I should wrap this up. I will say that I have decided that Ann Arbor will be my new home come February. And if I tell you what I have decided to do, will you laugh?
I'm not taking that chance.

2:17 p.m. - 2006-08-13

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