mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- red rabbits Man, it has been one weird fucking week. Weird, like, nothing externally weird happened-- I just experienced my own special brand of internal weirdness a little more than I usually do. Saturday night was the much anticipated party at The Lounge with Ben, which started off great ($25 for 7 shots of Grey Goose!! Which, now that I think of it, was the cause of much of the weirdness of that particular night) and ended in flames. The thing is, I was fairly drunk so I do not remember totally emasculating Ben, or saying the horrible things I said to him. I do remember telling him, in response to a semi-innocent but woefully-timed statement, that he was utterly replaceable, that I could find a new guy in a minute. Not a great thing to say on the fourth date. Now, Ben and I are at least speaking but he "needs time to think about it." Meaning I do not know if next time I see him, I am supposed to kiss him, hug him, or simply say "hi." The other weird thing is that I had a few major realizations about the current state of my life, one of which has to do with how I feel about Ben: I already know who I want to end up with. Every other romantic relationship is kinda my way of just killing time until I'm ready to say, hey, let's do this. This does not mean that I do not give my all when I start seeing somebody new, it just means that the love, that Other love, does not fade in the slightest. So when it comes to Ben, yes, I hope to death he wants to continue as we have been, but if he doesn't, I guess I'll never know what I'm missing, anyway. The other realization is that, you know, I am not really wanting for anything in my life right now. I was thinking about the big move, trying to decide whether I am scared or excited about it, and I am both. I want it, but I would be okay here, too. My friends are fucking awesome-- Lamont and Leslie have filled this space that has been empty for a long time, particularly Lamont, my sweetiepie snugglebunny. I didn't realize how much I missed just having... a circle. You know? My life is pretty great right now, which is semi-terrifying because the good periods usually preface fucking bleak and depressing times, but right now it's okay. 4:43 a.m. - 2007-01-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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