mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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over reacting over again

I meant it when I said I was planning on spending the evening in the bath tub with a beer, a bunch of green grapes, and a sad song list. What the hell, man? I thought I was done with the summer depression. Last time this happened was 2004. Remember? From, what, June to September I was walking dead? Hopefully this won't progress to that. I don't think it will. Happy feels too good.
Carol, tiny Carol, 4 foot 10, white hair and granny glasses and eyes that, I swear, they see fucking everything, she says to me tonight, "So who got under your skin so bad?" And she knows, oh man, she said it herself, "Us old ladies can just tell." She told me go get him, then. She told me sometimes you've got to go all out for these things. But, fuck it, you know? Cause, oh, kiddos, I want the wrong one. I want the one who is impossible, the one who is gone, gone, gone, the one who was never really here at all.
Mail for Nicole arrived on Friday. Dead a year and a half and her name in black and white on that envelope pulled the breath out of me. I wish I had God the way I used to so I could picture her in, geez, I feel silly even writing in, but in heaven. I guess if I was religious, though, I'd have to picture her in hell. So when I imagine her at all now, she is alive and smiling that smile, brown and gold and happy.
Matthew, classic "I'm wounded and regretful and lonesome" song: "Shorty," Five Minute Mile, Get Up Kids...
"Over reacting, over again� just between friends.
What am I to do?
I won�t come between you two.
What was I to do?
I gave in.
What was I to say? I gave it all I could."

1:50 a.m. - 2007-05-27

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