mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I was crazy, crazy, crazy last night, ranting and raving crazy, crying while driving crazy, ready to tear myself open crazy, but this morning has been better. This morning has been exactly the opposite of what last night was. I like the way Matt wakes up. He's a morning person, wakes up cheerful and motivated and smiling, and I like the way he wakes me up, which is normally a series of kisses and a few pats on the butt, a "Get up, beautiful," even though I am puffy-faced and grouchy. The morning is his time of day, just like the late night is mine. Was mine. Maybe I'll change it around and be a morning person, too. We stayed in bed for a extra half hour today and slept pressed together and with our legs tangled and he makes me so fucking happy at times that it is easy to minimize the times when I am not happy. The whole reason I quit music was because I never thought I was any good at it, I wanted to do too much too soon--I wanted to play the fastest, hardest songs and I wanted to play them perfectly the first time I tried. And I couldn't, so I just stopped. My Dad said to me, years later, "You were good, you just didn't stick with it long enough. You were impatient," and I think that that just about sums up every endeavor that hasn't resulted in immediate gratification--including relationships. This one is good, and some of the other ones I have had were good, but I didn't have the patience to wait for that level of closeness that, to me, marks what a "good" relationship is. I have always wanted--and still do, although I'm fighting it-- to be the best one, the most important one, the one that means the most, and I want it NOW. I don't want to wait a year or two years or six months for it, I want to have it from the first kiss onward. I want instant history. 8:30 a.m. - 2007-09-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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