mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Surprises Up and down, up and down, rising so fast that my head gets light and my head swims, plummeting back down just as quickly. I said to Dan that I was gonna stick it out, because it is worth it, goddamn it, it had better be worth it. It gets tough to keep my head on straight. One moment, I am ready to commit myself 100%, to this guy, to tell him that I want him and only him and I don't care about his issues, I'll share the load with him, even, and the next minute I am glowering and hissing and fighting the urge to spit out all the nasty things I always spit out when things go wrong. He wants me. He doesn't want anybody. He wants somebody else. He wants me again. At least I can say that this relationship is anything but boring. A measure of how little we truly know each other, last night somehow the subject of domestic abuse came up and he reacted so strongly, talked about his friend who got smacked around by her boyfriend and how upset it made him. I wonder what he would feel if he heard my story? I almost told him but bit my tongue. He wants to move in with me but I'm still a little gun-shy on that one. Leslie tells me I should let him, that I'll feel better when I can keep my eye on him all the time but I don't think I want that kind of relationship. We'l l see. So. I am almost in love and I am almost ready to run. Each day is a surprise with him. Tomorrow, he could be perfect, he could be sweet and gentle and considerate and funny. Or he could be sullen and angry and sad. He could curl up behind me with his hand on the swell of my hip when we go to bed, or he could turn to face the wall and tell me he doesn't want to be touched. I never know what will happen. I don't think he knows, either. 8:07 p.m. - 2007-09-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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