mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so it goes

In ten days I will be twenty-five. I started this journal two months before my twentieth birthday. Wow. I created this diary for a couple of reasons, the primary of which was that opendiary had started charging and at the time I was a broke-ass waitress at a biker bar, struggling to pay the power bill AND rent, and diaryland was free, so... yeah. The reason I started an online journal in the first place was because I had--have--a horrible memory. Entire blocks of my teenage years are missing-- Crystal will occasionally bring up something we apparently did when we were sixteen, some random, awesome adventure that we had, and I draw a blank. I chalk most of that up to the fact that I was in a very (and I hate spitting psychobabble, I do, BUT, y'know) unhealthy place, emotionally, living with my Mom and Dave, getting the shit beat out of me regularly, full-blown bulemic, et cetera, wah, wah. It's gotten a little better over time. The memory, I mean. I like having a reference, I like being able to think, "When was that?" and looking in here and finding an entry that recalls exactly who and where I was at any given time. So that's that. I just finished my sixth year on d-land. Go, me. Plus, I've met some really awesome people through this train-wreck, which wasn't my original plan, but hey, you folks get to see all of the shit that I keep hidden away from the rest of the world. You know my secrets.
...and so it goes, huh?
Matt and I had a blow-out last night. Looking back, I am not even entirely positive what it was about, but it was painful and it sucked beyond words. Matt said he smoked pot to relieve the stress of coming home to me demanding affection. I told him if he didn't like it, to go live somewhere else. The gloves were off, in other words. I'm not sure how I feel about it now. I know that I love him and that I love living with him, that much, I'm sure about, but I don't know if we want the same things. I want the person that I spend my life with to think I am the most outrageously amazing, beautiful, smart, kind, fantastic person in the world. I'm not sure sometimes if Matt feels that way or if he feels like maybe I am just an excellent way to fill time. He talks a lot about how depressed he is and how he can't be "happy," how he hates me trying to "force" him to be happy. Shit, guys, I've never really tried to make anybody happy before. I've never been one to put the desires of somebody else in front of my own, but I've done that for him, and his response is not, um, not what I expected. Sigh. We'll see. I wish I had more time to talk about it, but I have to get ready for work now.

7:06 a.m. - 2008-04-15

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next