mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Ugh. I'm having a rough go of it today with the self-hating. Feeling a little dirty, feeling a lot ugly. I hate my body. I hate looking down and seeing that shape, pale and blue-veiny and small boobs and a fat, dimpled ass. I got this gross fucking allergic rash a few days ago and my skin is covered in tiny red rough bumps, like a toad. Ehhhhhhhhh. See? Self-hating. Matt offered up a distracted "You're beautiful, babe," in consolation earlier. Turns out words don't work for this stuff, I have had men tell me I am beautiful, I have had women tell me I am beautiful, I have had strangers tell me I am beautful and lovers and family and people that I have smiled at on the street and the biggest bitch is that, y'know, if you don't really believe it, you can hear it a million times and it doesn't sound any more true. I want to be free, I don't want to hate myself. I want this life that everybody else seems to have except they don't, I want this perfect life that doesn't exist where I am strong and righteous and I am independent and I don't give a shit, anyway, I want that life. So that was today. 2:42 a.m. - 2008-04-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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