mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Old and Predictable It's a weird time for me, right now, but when isn't it? I feel old and predictable. I was looking through my old email addresses and screen names just now and I found a few things that floored me, the first and most profound of which was Nicole's screen name on an ancient and unused buddy list. It brought me back to Christmas of 2005 when I looked through my phone book and saw her name and number glowing digital green, I cried right then and there in the middle of the restaurant, at work, in front of my coworkers. I miss her. And when I say that, what I mean is she used to do this thing that cracked me up since we were kids where she would smush her cheeks together and talk in a funny voice and tell me the story about the girl named Chubby with the chubby cheeks. So I remembered that the other day and I thought, holy shit, I can never ask her to do that for me again. I can never beg, "Niiiiiikkkki, do Chubby for me pleeeeeeeeease!" Just little things. Whoever says that grief goes away is lying. It just changes from something that crushes you constantly into something that sometimes gives your heart a good, rough squeeze now and then. But that is not the only reason for the weird. It is just the only part that I can explain. I guess I feel like I've fallen into this woeful twenty-something woman routine, this unmarried but attached, childless but still otherwise obligated, this not a job that I dislike but A CAREER that I dislike place in life where I not really sure where the hell my time is going and how I am acheiving these things I never gave a shit about in the first place. Does that make sense? Anyway, we have a routine, these days, which I think contributes to the feelings of predictable, boring, et cetera; two days a week, I get home two hours after Matt does and I cook dinner, clean up, and we watch some television or a movie before he goes to bed at 1030pm, and I do laundry for a bit in front of the tube before following him at midnight. The next two days I am off so I grocery shop and clean the apartment and take the dogs to the groomers and so on and then I either cook dinner or we go out to eat. Matt goes to sleep at 1030pm. I go over to Ad's or Crystal's or my Mom's for a few hours. The next three days I work late so Matt either stays home and smokes pot and plays video games all night or hangs out with Bryan or Howard or, if he feels like aggravating my acid reflux, Kimmy. He is usually asleep or about to fall asleep by the time I get home. I stay up watching tv alone until about 3am. Every week. Lather, rinse, repeat. It feels like WE have a life but I don't. I haven't had a routine like this, set in FUCKING STONE, for a long time. Maybe I need to mix it up a bit, hmmmmmmm? Anyhow, enough rambling. I'm gonna look at some porn and pass out now. Bye. 1:41 a.m. - 2008-06-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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