mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you loved it more than ever What am I supposed to say, I wonder, does he think that far ahead? He told me tonight, "This has been the worst three months of my life," he is sleep walking but he says I wouldn't understand. And that bothers me a little, you know, if he knew me at all, he would know that I do understand, I have been asleep before, too. I mean, I have wanted to sleep, I have wanted to sleep and wake up when it was all over except I didn't know what "it" was. I told him I didn't want to love a lie, I don't want our life together to be a mask he wears until he is alone, until he can crumble in peace. Fuck that, you know, I can love anybody but I am older now, I want more now, I am not even sure where I am going but I do not want to go there with somebody I never really knew at all. He says I wouldn't love him if he showed me how he felt. The truth? Love is one thing. Happiness is another. They do not always equal the other. I would love him, but maybe he's right: maybe I couldn't take it. Maybe I would get angry and throw him out, maybe I would say fuck it all for my own happiness. He told me that he acts for me, he plays okay, I hate that. It makes everything feel fake, all those times I thought we were happy except for "we" weren't; he was lying through his teeth to keep the calm and I was blissfully unaware, I was stupid and selfish but I thought I was done feeling stupid and selfish. Where am I going now? 10:31 p.m. - 2008-05-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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