mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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get it over with

I want to not be lonely anymore. I want to find a friend who asks to read the things I write. I want a boyfriend like that, I mean. I want to be with somebody who occasionally asks me to do new things with him, like go to a museum or take an impromptu road trip or have a picnic. I want to feed the ducks, I want to feed the fucking goddamned ducks. I want a boyfriend who starts conversations with, "I've been thinking a lot about the current state of music/literature/my life," and then asks me what I think about it all. I want a boyfriend who is likely to do something like showing up to my job just to have lunch with me. Maybe he brings me a book he thinks I'd like, maybe he brings me flowers, maybe while we are waiting for our meal he draws a picture on the placemat and says solemnly that I must keep it forever. I want to be with somebody who looks so deeply into my eyes that he sees the blue ring around my iris. I want to be with somebody who asks what my dream day is and then creates it for me. I am so sad, and so scared, and I am wondering who will be the one to end it.

Dear Matt,
I don't know how to say the words I want to say to you, so I am writing them instead. I love you very much, and I will always be your friend. If you ever need something, you can lean on me. I don't think we can continue dating. I am not happy with our relationship. It isn't your fault-- we just aren't compatible. I ask a lot from you, I know, and it isn't reasonable or even possible for you to give me what I want. I'm not happy. I feel like the longer we're together, the less I like myself. You are a great person, but you aren't the one for me, and I am not the one for you. We have tried and tried to make it work, and we can't. I know that you care very deeply for me, and I feel the same for you, but I am not in love with you anymore. I am afraid of losing you, but even more, I am afraid of what I will be after two more years together. Please don't argue with this. Just go gracefully. I will always be here for you as a friend.
Love,
Ang

12:42 a.m. - 2009-01-08

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