mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Wow, almost two months between updates... being busy sucks. Being so busy that two months fly by as quiickly as these last two did? A little scary. You know what I don't get? I don't get those people that find themselves out of work for this reason or that who complain about staying home being boring. That was an awkward sentence. What I am trying to say is that I wish I was unemployed at times. I know that in this economic crisis blah-blah, that sounds pretty insensitve and ungrateful, but I have been working long hours for many years now. This week, I went into work on both of my regular days off for things that were not quite work but definitely "work-related." I work weekends. I work holidays. I work six day weeks, indoors, no windows... I have this stupid cell-phone game that I play on my breaks (which, I confess, are pretty frequent) and I am now on--are you ready-- level 372. I just feel so fucking weary sometimes. On the home front, things are only just barely better; Matt and I have been fighting endlessly the past week or so. The first fight was about something I don't even remember now and it ended with him kicking a hole in my wall and both of us crying like babies. The next was because he took too long to repair said hole-- I didn't freak out when he did it, but I made him promise to get it done over the weekend. He didn't, I told him he needed to leave, we talked, there was more crying, he fixed the wall and I let him stay. We fought more about his relationship with his ex, cried, and made up. We fought because I changed my mind about getting a third dog--HOA rules--and then we made up. Written down like this, it sounds terrible. I guess it is pretty terrible. I'm not sure which parts are due to his bi-polar and which parts are just plain incompatibility. I find myself cycling between "Oh my god, I love this man and I will suck it up and help him get better if it takes my whole fucking life," and "Why the hell am I in this? This HURTS and I want out." I have one foot in each place-- I love him and I want to be with him and I also want a normal relationship where I can get pissed without the walls crumbling down around me. He went on leave from his job two weeks ago to look for a better job and get his illness under control but he hasn't really done either thing yet. He had an interview on Thursday and slept through it. He brought a few more boxes over from his Mom's and they have been sitting in the living room for a few days now. I looked through one of them and saw baseball cards and a couple comic books and it occurred to me, oh my fucking god, I am dating an eleven year old. As it turns out, I am a jealous, possessive control freak, and he is a spoiled, occasionally thoughtless little boy. I am kind of just riding out the storm at this point and hoping that when we stop fighting so much we will be better people. 12:00 p.m. - 2008-12-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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