mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- make those muscles move Last night, Matt and I had a long talk that culminated in him telling me that he was not sure he was--is--was, whatever--in love with me. Not sure he is in love with me. Not sure he is in love with me. It echoed in my head, just like that, a thousand times more. It wasn't a fight, no yelling, no accusations, just... "I'm not sure I'm in love with you." Just, "I think sometimes I'd rather be your best friend." I can't lie and say I didn't feel it, that I couldn't tell he wasn't there by the way he looked--or didn't look-- at me. I could tell in the way he touched me, reluctantly, and in the way he was so distant when I was trying so hard to pull him closer to me. I don't know exactly how I feel yet; I don't think there is even a word for the way I feel. I am sad and relieved and angry and betrayed and still, through all of this and through every single piece of fallout I've ducked this past two years, through all of the fighting and crying and yelling, through every bit of that, I still love Matt. I don't think there is any way I can ever look at him the same after hearing those words from his lips and I don't think I can ever take him back, but I love him. I only have a handful of things I love in my life, and one of them is gone. Ugh, self-pity. This coupled with my job... not sure how I am going to drag myself through this. I will, I know that, but right now it is looming in front of me, huge and impossible. Times like these, I get thankful for the worse stuff that has happened to me, the examples of exactly how terrible it could be. Still, I feel like I am in a scary place, right before a breakdown, like I am staring over the edge and watching the ground break away in front of me. I know I never will, I am just not cut from that particular cloth, but I am just barely holding myself back, just barely refraining from letting myself fall. I wish I was that kind of person right now. I wish I could just let go and...fall. See where I land, see if I survive unscathed, see where my weaker parts live and see if they make it unbroken. I'm not sure I'm in love with you. It makes everything feel like a lie, and it is still bouncing around in there. I'm not sure I'm in love with you. Of course, this morning he wasn't sure if he meant it, but is burned right into me now. 6:02 p.m. - 2009-04-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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