mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a deep, dark place It is me and my computer and some sad songs and a whole lot of regret tonight. Here is my cure for this all, trite and simple, unoriginal but my god, so sincere, raw and still not healed and it probably wont be for a long time, I am overflowing with hurt and I am still in love no matter the shit and the hurt and the things we would have and should have done differently. Almost two years ago I knew the problems we had, I held on, for what? It was hope, at first, and then later it was hope tinged with pity, and later still it blossomed into love, poisoned and painful but still so full to bursting that it was worth it all, every last second. What happens to love like this? Poison love? Can it ever be pure again, after weeks, months, after years? Does it fade slowly or is it just gone one day? Does it stay forever, do you wonder forever if you had just tried a little bit harder would things have been as shining and beautiful as they should have been? Across town tonight, there is a man sleeping in a strange bed that does not have his shape pressed in the sheets. He is sleeping on his left side with his mouth hanging open just slightly, his smell is the smell of the soap in my shower, faint scent of my shampoo, maybe he is crying in his sleep or maybe he is dreaming of wonderful things. When he wakes up tomorrow he will not go to the kitchen to make me coffee, he will not try to drag my exhausted, stubborn form from bed like he has for the past 500-something days. When I wake up tomorrow I will reach for a body that isn't there anymore. I will want to rub my palms across an expanse of skin that is too far away, too far away in more than one way, for me to touch. I have never been still in love when things ended before. I have never felt the shock, the sudden realization that hits you a thousand times an hour, that it is really and truly over. Know this: I would have done anything if I thought it would fix you. I mean that literally, anything, I would have given up everything I have worked for to see real contentment, real joy on that face. I love you, Matthew. I love you I love you I love you and we are over and it is the right thing, my fucking god it is like ice in my chest heavy and so cold it burns but it is the right thing and I love you right now and there will always be a part of me that will love you forever and ever. 10:31 p.m. - 2009-04-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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