mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lick my blood off your paws Ugh. If there is a word that is a sound that conveys that feeling I have right now, a little queasy, and little sore, tender all over and like my skin has been burned bad sometime in the recent past, if there is a word that is a sound that means that, then "ugh" will be it for now. I'm not entirely sure how I am supposed to be behaving right now, what I am supposed to feel, but "ugh" is just about the only thing happening in this head of mine. Matt is currently on what I refer to as a "date," and what he refers to as "hanging out with a friend." When did I relinquish control of myself like this? What moment did it happen, exactly, what did he say to make me go along so willingly, how did he touch me to make me crumble? Whatever or however, he hasn't said or done it in a long time. I'm less upset about the "date" (although I am trying to hide it from him and indeed, trying to not even feel this way at all, I'm so angry that he is so happy to be doing something that destroys me like this but maybe I am just a flawed human being, maybe I am irrational and jealous and scared and insecure and that really isn't anybody's problem but mine but isn't the whole point of a relationship having somebody to share those shitty problems with so they don't crush you quite so much?) than I am about the way he has been speaking to me lately. We talk, he is short and terse and he sounds irritated to hear my voice. He snaps. He critiques me, my driving, the things I say. My clothing ("When did you turn seventeen?") my conversation topics ("I never feel pressure to talk with Kimi. That's why I like hanging out with her so much.") my everything. I can't fucking win with this guy. I wonder why I haven't given up yet. I wonder what is so goddamned different about him than about Ben or Brent or Ethan or Zach or Jeromy--get the picture?-- that I can't hang it up and just wave merrily as I walk away, as I have every other time before? It is not healthy to want to be anywhere else in the world than with the one you love but this is how he feels, this is what he shows me in the things he says and does. On our roadtrip this weekend, he was pleasant and charming, spoke to both Kimi and I politely and the second she was out of the car the mask fell and he was quiet. Nothing to talk about with me, no reason to try, no reason to suck it up and just be fucking OKAY. No need to be kind, I can take the cutting words, no need to reach out and touch, I am used to no touching anymore, for the past year he has made me the reason for his illness, the blame has been heavy on my back for a long time now. I am watching the clock. He is supposed to call me to see if we will go out with friends later but I am doubting he will call. I am picturing him wrapped around her, his hands on her breasts, he is marvelling at how beautiful and new she is, he is marvelling at the way she speaks so differently from me. This is what he does to me and this hurting and shame and fear is the thing that matters too much to me and not at all to him. He will leave me tomorrow. I feel this. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe a few days, weeks, but it is coming. Now it is he who has opened the wrong door and I do not think he will want to shut it when he sees somebody besides me behind it. 8:59 p.m. - 2009-05-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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