mainsqueeze's Diaryland
Diary
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Not quite "bored," exactly, not quite "unpleasant," but I think "at loose ends" describes it nicely. Music like waves crashing over me and I love the way the world sounds underwater. I write these entries on my work notepads and then tear them out and fold them up tiny tiny tiny and stuff them in my pockets and forget about them so the floor around the driver's seat in my car is littered with pieces of yellow legal paper that escaped, little pieces of my life, the floor of my car. Here is what almost got away from today:
There are very few things I can remember about ten years ago or even last week but one that stands out the most, like a flashing neon arrow, is how I've always felt vaguely-- or distinctly, on many occasions-- out of place. Aimless. Formless. And if I had visualized those formless insides of mine a year ago, I would have seen a crumpled sheet of blue-lined notebook paper or maybe a wad of discarded chewing gum, something untouchable and used, my poor broken soul. Something now is pushing me in a different direction. Also, when I wrote that, I dotted my e instead of my i. The point I am getting at here is that my ultimate shape is not the sort of thing, perhaps, that I want to rush. What used to be "directionless" is now the knowledge that I can go anywhere or nowhere, I can point myself where I want to go and just go. "Formless" means I can take any form at all and it might be amazing or it might be terrible but it isn't carved in stone and it sure as hell is not a used piece of gum.
My Mother asked me yesterday when I am planning on picking up the piano, which was odd because I had been begging to bring it home for years and she always said no. I haven't mentioned it for a long time now and her question was surprising. Maybe something in her knew I would spend nine years as a transient, moving from house to house to house, but now, I have, what? Settled? "Settled" does not scare me so much anymore now that I finally have the things I want in my life, but I don't feel particularly settled, anyhow. I feel... awake? Last night I made a conscious decision to be a better person than I have been, and while my Big Shining Diplomacy is something that makes me feel happy and peaceful, it is also the sort of thing that I am not sure I want to document here. Also, wrote this today:
All you have to do to be a better person is be a better person. It isn't nearly as complicated as it seems.
10:13 p.m. - 2010-02-08
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