mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary

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Happy Sleepy

Good day but a long one. Got my tickets to see Jeff Mangum at Le Poisson Rouge at exactly 904am, ran down the hall to Rosie's office screaming, "This is happening! This is happening!" Called Zach and left a ten second message of garbled, ecstatic nonsense. So it looks like Zach and I will make our first trip to NYC together, one of many other firsts over the last ten years. I tell him every time we talk how happy I am that he is still in my life after all of this time. I am glad he will be the one standing beside me on May 6th.
Last week I broke my own rule and had sex without love. Without like, even. Aaron from school, long hair and soft hands and after an hour of watching his face light up when he talked about music I thought, "Fuck it, I am lonely." Curled around him on the sofa and that was it, it was all over then. At least I debased myself with somebody I have known for a decade. I guess that makes it better. Two nights later, in some attempt to retroactively make my actions match my notions of what I should and should not do (should: fall in love, stop separating sex and love; should not: sleep with people I only marginally like, let lust overtake logic) I went to his house and played Guerilla War for three hours and drank two beers before falling asleep with his leg slung over mine, just sleeping. I haven't called him since, and he hasn't called me. I guess you can't force these things.
Lately I have been thinking seriously about moving out of this city. It wrecks people, it eats them, I swear. Rosie and I had a conversation about this over breakfast today-- people come here decent and happy and leave broken and angry, they leave with all of their hope and romance sapped. Maybe that is my own broken anger speaking, I don't know. I would like to live with art and with hopefully someday love, I want to see beautiful things every single day and I want to be at peace in my home. I only have a handful of semesters--three, I think-- before I complete my degree. Teaching in CA, The Edible Schoolyard, that sounds like a dream to me. I am giving myself three more years to become exactly the person I want to be and if I am not her then I will decide to try harder to want to be who I am. Frances, baby yet? Davey told me your good news and I am so excited for you. I think you will produce a magical person and I am happy because we need more magical people.

10:50 p.m. - 2010-03-30

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