mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - It is starting to seem more real now, a little bit delayed but now it is a part of me, just like my glasses and my freckles and the fact that my handwriting is a weird cursive-printing hybrid-- I am somebody's parent. Elliott is five weeks old, he is just starting to smile and make sweet baby sounds, and, if I am being honest, he is a little bit high-maintenance. He has preferences that I never realized such a tiny person could have. He prefers to be held upright rather than being cradled. He wants to be dressed at all times and will not sleep if I leave him in just a diaper. He only likes one of the three musical selections that his baby swing plays-- Fur Elise, babyfied. My fussy little son, so particular. I never realized that being a mother came with so much irrational guilt. I didn't really write much about it--I will someday-- but he was born via c-section. I hated myself for that and only recently started being able to think about it without crying. I got sick when he was two weeks old and had to stop breastfeeding for awhile. Guilt. He had a hard time starting again when we were able to and cried and cried because he was confused. More guilt. He currently has thrush, which makes feeding painful and difficult. Oh, the guilt. After a particularly long, hard attempt to feed him with him screaming at full volume the whole time, I plopped him into his bassinet and said, "I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW, SON," to my little baby. GUILT! It has gotten easier and easier to deal with the crying on only a few hours of sleep but I am struggling with the fact that wanting to be a perfect mother will not in fact make me a perfect mother. I suppose once that really sinks in it will all feel okay. I have told him I love him a hundred extra times to make up for my shitty temper tantrum. I hope tomorrow will be an easy day. I miss Chris being at home more than I thought I would. He and I are half-seriously, half-jokingly planning our next baby and the time we will have to spend together as a family when that happens. I tell him to start saving now. 1:44 a.m. - 2011-07-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||