mainsqueeze's Diaryland
Diary
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they're within me
Crabby and in a strange mood. There are a lot of things I want to spit out into the world but they are things that cannot be pulled back in once I set them free, you know? I need a private and secret place to yell them out. Is livejournal still a thing? Couple of things about my life at the moment that are standing out. The good, the bad, and the meh:
My babes are growing and learning and wonderful. Maggie sure thinks I am great. I nurse her to sleep each night. She pauses a hundred times to look up at my face and smile her milky perfect dimply baby smile. It is a hell of a thing to realize that there is a person in this world who could be sustained by just me, by just my body. Elliott is so smart it blows my mind. That thing all parents do? The one where they brag and blush and show you as many pictures as you will tolerate? I guess I kind of get that now. He used to be just this little pink blob and now he is a small boy who likes airplanes, cookies, dogs, and smart phones.
The bad is pretty mild, as far as bad goes. I feel lonely a lot lately. I feel stagnant. It is hard to be a dynamic and sharp woman when most of my free time is occupied with diapers and teaching the alphabet and worrying about foremilk/hindmilk imbalances. The worst is the way I feel about my body. Earlier this evening, I soaked in the bathtub after a long day and just couldn't connect the body in the water with the thing that carries my brain around, the thing that houses all of these thoughts. I have such contempt for myself. When I have to touch my own skin for any reason I do it violently, I grab myself and pinch and twist and pull my flesh in a way that says, "You don't deserve better than this." I hope to love myself someday. Or even just like myself. I feel lately like Chris doesn't even like me much anymore. I mean, he says he loves me. He takes care of our children. He kisses me on the cheek every morning before he leaves for work. But there is no real attraction or chemistry. Do I bore him? Does he dislike this body, too? Is it my smell? Am I too demanding? I don't know. It makes me sad. I hear that relationships go through cycles like this sometimes. My body and brain are in disagreement when it comes to this matter. One says this is fine and the other says hell no it is not. I am loyal, just perpetually bummed over this lack of touch.
I keep a paper journal, now, too. A family journal. Today Maggie did this. Today Elliott said that. This afternoon we drew this picture. Watched a movie. Went to a birthday party. Et cetera. Someday when the littles are big I will pore through that black book and be happy I remembered to write these things down.
11:31 p.m. - 2013-10-11
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