mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hot Topic Lucky, lucky me. I nearly lost the rest of my marbles today. My money situation is getting bad. Unless I make incredible amounts of money when I come home from my vacation, I wont be able to pay rent. I know that my parents will come to my rescue if I need them, but I dont want that. I want to rescue myself. Anyhow, Zach and I were in the car, driving to the grocery store, when I saw my reflection in the rearview mirror. My hair was in a sloppy bun, and a bit greasy looking. My eye makeup had formed dark half-circles under my eyes, and dark lines in the creases on my eyelids. My lips were pale. My cheeks were beet red. I wished so hard, when I saw myself, that I would wake up beautiful someday. I was feeling glum as we walked through the aisles of the supermarket, but when we got the the produce section, I started to go somewhat crazy. I vaguely remember looking at all of the vegetables on display and thinking, "None of this means anything. None of this means anything at all." I started breathing hard, and I could feel everybody in the store staring at me. I was struggling to remain composed, but when Zach saw the look on my face and reached out to touch me, I broke. I was silently sobbing as we made our way through the store, thinking about how ugly I am, how stupid I am, how insignificant. I was thinking that someday, I would die, and rot, and I wouldnt have contributed anything to the world. I wouldnt have made it any better. On the drive home, I stopped trying to stay quiet, and I wailed. A radio announcer made a comment about "sexy ladies," and I cried harder. Is that what I am supposed to be, to make people want me around? Im supposed to be a "sexy lady"? Of course, I eventually became angry. Why should I feel like I have to be beautiful in order to be well-liked and successful? Who started this mess, and where can I find them? The thing that kills me the most, is that no matter how much I want to, I cant change the way I feel about myself. The best I can do is mask my huge feelings of inadequacy so that I dont inadvertantly pass them on to any more little girls. 3:04 a.m. - 2002-08-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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