mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Long To Be Forgiven Las Vegas is ridiculously cold right now. In the forties, I think. My poor arthritic fingers are getting knotty and stiff. I've been taking hot baths every night, sometimes for three or four hours at a time. I must be the cleanest girl in Nevada. I skipped a day this week. I was completely out cold for most of Wednesday, due to my shenanigans on Tuesday. When I finally woke up, the events of the previous night started coming back to me, and oh, god, did I turn red. I think I offered Adrian money for sex. Sigh. Something else I remembered: John finally broke down and told me what Matt had had to say about our ill-fated sexual encounter. Guilty. He felt guilty. He told John that he felt guilty from the very beginning- Which only bothers me because I suppose that I'd thought we were close enough to be able to talk about everything, even if we had to interrupt mediocre sex to do so. I did what I did because I wanted to. I didn't do it to try to make him all mine, or to have something to hold over him- I loved him, and I guess that in my naivety, I thought that he understood that just being there with him was enough for me. ... But that door is closed, and those memories are not precursors or signs of greater things to come- They are just memories. I'm off to take a hot bath now. 3:12 a.m. - 2002-10-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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