mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- kissed between the ears It seems like everything is breaking lately- My bedroom lamp, my vaccuum, my coffee maker, the window in my living room, my stereo, the remote to my television- All broken. Im sitting here in the dark, now, wondering when I'm going to be able to fix it all. And when I'm done with that, what else will have broken by then? A friend once told me that I was a sixty year old woman in a nineteen year old body. Im not sure that she was entirely wrong. I already have that weariness, the constant fatigue and the sense of defeat that is behind every moment. I already know that Im not going to go anywhere or do anything special. Ive already accepted it. This is my job: I work in a restaurant in a small, dive-y casino. I come to work in black dress pants, a red, collared, short sleeved blouse, a baggy black vest, and a sliver plated name tag. I stand at a faux wood podium and greet customers upon their entrance. I say, "Good morning, sir, how many in your party? Smoking or non-smoking?" or sometimes, "Good afternoon," or "Good evening." I wait patiently for the older men and women using canes and walkers. I fetch high chairs and booster seats. I smile. I nod. I smile. And this is my contribution to the world. Yes, I am mostly defeated. Ive given up dreams of greatness and reknown and money and fame and unanimous adoration. I know I'm not as pretty as I once thought I was, and not as smart. There's still a little bit of hope in me, though, and I'm going to keep on feeding it until there's enough to blast me out of here. Just watch. 5:17 p.m. - 2002-11-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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