mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- there's a day between us Tonight, I get to see what the boy I was madly in love with for years has been doing with his life since he kicked me out of it. I'm going over to Matt's house for dinner. I'm going to meet his two month old daughter. I know I'm going to adore her. She'll have his eyes, probably, and his long, crooked fingers. Maybe she'll have his beautiful, sensitive mouth, and his thick, messy hair. I'm sure I'll cry when I hold her for the first time, half from sheer joy and wonder at what Matt has created, and half out of completely illogical sadness because he didn't create it with me. I've gotten past the anger, okay? I've gotten past the jealousy, too, and the all-consuming depression. I'm over it. It's not worth it to invest so much into feeling like shit all the time. Sometimes, though, I wonder why I wasn't the one he'd chosen to build a life with. I held on for four long years, damnit. I waited and waited and wished and then waited some more, so why not me? I was there when nobody else was, and even when I didn't really want to be. So why not me? I'm going to fall in love with this little girl the second I lay eyes on her. I'll rebuild my friendship with Matt, and I'll forge a new one with his girlfriend. I'll babysit, and attend birthday parties. I'll go to school recitals and spelling bees. I'll be at her high school graduation, and someday, maybe, her wedding. I'll keep holding on. Not for Matt, this time, but for me. 9:27 a.m. - 2003-03-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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