mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- reach from here to hell So I'm not feeling so hot today. Full of doubt and confusion and longing and I don't know why, really, I have no idea. I feel like I'm waiting for something or somebody that will never come. This thing with TOB, it's nice. Makes me happy when I'm with him, and I think about him when I'm not, and that makes me happy, too, but something crucial is missing. Like, right now, I'm listening to the song "Thirteen" by Johnny Cash, and I'm really hearing the words and the sad melody and I'm thinking, "Johnny! I'm on the outside, too," and I don't think TOB would get that. He's smart, smarter than I am, and funny, and gentle and kind, but he doesn't know what it is to want something so badly that it physically hurts, without knowing what it is you want. That's what this is. I want something and an important piece of me is screaming out for it, and I don't know how to quiet that piece down. Does that make sense? Eh. I don't care. Doesn't even make sense to me. Oh, and relationships are stupid. They make you so high sometimes, and other times you're plunged down, down, down for no reason at all. At work today, at least three people told me to "be careful." TOB works with me, and it seems that he isn't so popular with the co-workers- I think that they think he's planning on building up my trust and then shattering my heart into a thousand pieces. It's not going to happen, honest. It's terrible, really, but I don't give my trust so freely anymore. And I'm very good at remaining emotionally detached, so that when the inevitable disappointment comes, it won't matter so much. I'm always ready for the let-down. 4:38 p.m. - 2003-07-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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