mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you and me I can't think of anything to write, except for last night I watched Jeromy sleep and I touched his face and stopped feeling so terrified about all of the what-ifs and maybes. What's the use? Everything good ends, eventually- we know this- but I'd rather just enjoy it while it lasts, no dark clouds hanging over us. He says things, sometimes, that calm me down and make me think, yeah, well, maybe I'm not so busted and fucked up, after all. And when he looks at me in that way he does, it doesn't matter that I'm strange and sometimes unhappy and that I say all the wrong things. None of that- none of my stupid, annoying quirks, none of my bizarre little rituals- matters anymore, not at all. This is all I've been thinking, the past few weeks: I'm gonna be a teacher, soon. Man, I love children, I love them all. I love how they're all so smart, and how they aren't afraid to tell the truth. I love how they don't care what people look like, or what they wear, or how much money anybody has. I love love love how children aren't embarrassed to sing songs at the tops of their lungs, and how they don't care how they look doing it. I remember one time, walking home from the movie theater, my sister was telling me all about God, and how she felt like people think about God all wrong. She said that she thought he was a nice old man with a long white beard, watching everybody on earth, and he didn't care if you went to church or if you went to shul, he just wanted you to be good. She was about seven, then, my beautiful little sister, so smart and wise for such a young kid. She's growing up so fast- It sounded so silly when people would say that about me, when I was little, but now I get it. I remember the day she was born, and I remember her pre-school graduation, and I remember her reading her first book ("Hop on Pop") and I remember how she used to call me "Adgewa" when she first began to talk. She's ten now, very precocious- She spent the night last week, and Jeromy was here. He slept in the bed, with me, and she slept on the floor, and I could tell that she was surprised to see him in my bed. After he left in the morning, I told her if she ever wanted to know anything about sex, she could ask me. And she said, "I already know all about that." Well. I just hope she grows up to be smarter and braver than I am. Busy day of cleaning and vegging scheduled today. I gotta get to it. Take care, everybody. Be happy. 5:02 p.m. - 2003-07-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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