mainsqueeze's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- full of grace We spread my Grandfather's ashes yesterday, way out in the red-rocks and joshua trees and cacti, way out in the desert. You know, I never did cry over this- I woke up to the phone and I heard the news and I sat in shock for a little bit, but no crying. I cried when I saw his body, but not enough, not enough. And yesterday, his son turned to me and asked if I wanted to scatter the ashes, and I nodded. I stared at the ground and I tried really hard to get them all over the desert, over the shale and boulders and the yuccas. The chips of bone in the ash made little clicks when they hit the rocks, and then I cried. Because those little clicks, those pieces of bone, the white dust, that was him, that was all that was left. I walked up the incline and sat on a brick wall with tears and sweat running over my face. My sister sat beside me and put her arm around me and she told me she loved me, because she knows that that'll always fix me. I said to her, "It's just so scary, thinking that we live big, big lives and we love people and everything seems so important, and then one day we die and we're dust. I know it happens to everybody and I know it's normal, but it's so scary, Lise. We're never gonna see him again- That bag of ash, that was Grandpa's body." My wise, wise sister was quiet and she squeezed me and she wiped my eyes. And now it's done, and he's blowing in the wind, over the mountains and the scrubby little bushes and the flowering cacti and the big, flat stones. I've said good-bye to the man who gave himself the nickname "Old Fart" and who snuck cigarettes and beer when he wasn't supposed to and wore bawdy t-shirts and played poker with us after every family dinner. I've said good-bye, and I wish I could have said it better, but it's done. -Tell 'em you love them today, guys. Just do it. 9:15 a.m. - 2003-07-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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